(DOG BARKING)
(PAWS PATTERING)
(HUMMING)
You.
Don't you dare.
(GRUNTING)
Never.
Come back here, you mutt.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
Hey, what... Hey, no! No!
(SCREAMING)
Ah-ha!
(GRUNTING)
Don't let him escape.
(GROANING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Get him.
Come back here.
(ALL GROANING)
Get him!
The dog, the dog. Get the dog. My beret.
Careful. Be careful. Careful.
(SHOUTING)
(ALL GROAN)
(SQUEAKING)
Mark my words, I'll get you someday. You! I'm gonna get you.
(PAWS PATTERING)
(BILLY SNORING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
Ah! I have been looking all over for this guy.
Dad, are you trying to give me a heart attack?
Billy, what have l told you about playing with the animals?
Pete here isn't just any lizard.
He's a professional actor.
And because you were horsing around, he's late. So I'm late.
Horsing around?
Horsing around.
(SQUAWKS)
(CHIRPS)
(SQUEAKING)
(QUACKING)
Hey, guys. I found Pete.
Yay!
(SQUAWKING)
Hey, Sticky.
Breakfast.
I didn't forget about you, Spencer.
Okay, everybody, have a good day.
Come on, Dad.
You come on. We're late.
I've got to get to the set.
It's fine.
It still crackles.
Water?
Dad, really?
Hey, hey. Go get it. Go get it.
Come on, Billy boy! Let's go! Let's go!
Here you go, Pete.
How's my star?
Oh, yeah. Looking good. Looking good.
Billy, come on!
You know, it's better to be an hour early than a second late.
Success depends on it.
Maybe if I work real hard I can be
the head lizard guy on some dumb movie.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Nothing.
Mmm-hmm.
(ENGINE STARTING)
Okay, buddy, what's with the attitude?
You have all these freaky animals all over the place.
And all I want is a dog.
Billy, we've talked about this.
Lots of people have dogs.
I don't know anyone else who has a lizard as a pet.
Hey, that lizard is not my pet.
That lizard is my job.
We don't have room for a dog.
We don't have money for a dog.
At the very least, it'd be a huge distraction for the training.
Dogs are pets, and we don't have pets.
No dogs, buddy. I'm sorry.
Whatever, Dad.
Okay. Well, have a good day,
and don't forget to check in with Mrs. Hollinger when you get home.
I love
You.
''Yep. I love you too, Dad.''
Man.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hi.
Photo ID. Really?
It's just that I'm so late.
You know, I work here every day.
Photo ID.
It's me.
Jerk.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
(GATE BUZZES)
Eddie. Eddie, you're late!
Do you think it's part of my job
to be waiting for my assistant to show up?
I don't think so. I'm sorry, Sal.
I had trouble with the lizard.
Don't want the excuses. I just want the lizard!
Now, did you teach it a trick?
He's got it, all right.
It's a good trick. Good trick.
Better be. Better be. Let's go.
Almost time for Frizzy's close-up.
(SIGHS)
Need to compose.
Yeah. That was 74, then 53A. And make sure the props get set.
Director's on set.
Now, in this scene Fanny...
LISA: Frizzy.
What?
The dog's name is Frizzy.
What did I say? Fanny.
Whatever. The dog gets chased by a snake.
A lizard. I thought we had a snake.
Snakes are too expensive.
Patricia made me re-write it.
What kind of picture are we making, anyway?
It's a dog picture.
That is not a dog. I grew up in the projects.
I know a rat when I see one.
She's a bichon frisé. What?
She's like a poodle, but not.
It's a metaphor for life's struggle against conformity.
Look, I don't care what it is. Let's just shoot this
so I can put the final nail in the coffin of my career.
Sal? Yes, Herr director.
Would you get the girly dog and the snake so we could do this?
Absolutely, sir.
And, sir, I can't wait for you to see the trick I just taught the lizard.
Very complicated.
I'm amazed I was able to accomplish it.
Get the dog. Yes, sir.
Who are you? Are you on payroll?
I'm Eddie. I'm like the assistant animal trainer.
Good for you.
So, is that it?
Hmm?
Yeah. That's Pete.
Pete?
Pete. Pete the lizard.
You wanna hold him?
No, no, no, no.
Can I see him, though?
Yeah. Sure.
Wow. He's so lizardy.
Yeah. Pretty good-looking guy.
Hey, I think he likes you.
Oh, no. No.
Why? Why? Oh, the humanity.
What and why are you yelling?
Frizzy, the bichon frisé, has been dognapped.
Why?
Hey!
What are you doing? You stole my cookies!
You're not supposed to eat the bag.
(BURPS)
I guess I don't mind sharing with a friend.
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
Cut it out.
KATIE: Hey.
Oh. Hey, hey, hey.
interesting dog.
He's not mine. Yeah.
He's just some weird dog.
Oh.
Yeah. I don't even like him.
Hey, Katie! You coming?
Well, whoever's weird dog it is, I like him.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
That was the first time she ever talked to me.
Am I dreaming?
''We want $1 million or the bichon frisé gets it.''
$1 million?
Why would we pay a ransom
when the wussy dog hasn't shot one frame of film yet?
So we're talking a re-cast?
Marco, set up a casting call for tomorrow.
We have to find a new star for our film. Yes, ma'am.
Sal, you lost the dog, cost us a day. You're fired.
Wait, wait. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
But to tell the truth, it was my assistant who was in charge of Frizzy.
He's the one who left the door unlocked.
No. I'm in charge of the lizard.
I never even met the dog. I don't train dogs.
You probably orchestrated the whole thing.
What? This guy? This guy.
Okay. You're fired.
What? Me?
You heard our fearless producer.
Remove yourself from the premises immediately.
Sal, set up a casting call for tomorrow.
We're literally hemorrhaging money here.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Am I fired? 'Cause you firing everybody and it make me nervous.
I haven't worked since Good Tímes.
What are you still doing here?
Well, I need to get my things together.
My lizard's in make-up.
Get your things tomorrow.
For right now, just get out of my sight!
Hey, Lizard Guy.
Sorry. I know it wasn't your fault.
You're a jerk.
Why did you lie?
Show biz, Eddie. It's show biz.
MAN: Closing up. Everybody off the stage, now.
BILLY: Where are you from, boy?
What's your name?
Spot? No spots.
Maybe you're like Abracadabra or Banjo
or Quicksilver.
Or something.
We'll figure it out.
We'll find a good name for you.
Hopefully one Katie likes.
I can't wait for you to meet Dad.
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
Oops.
Thanks, boy.
Man, I'm missing the top 10 video countdown.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Dorks.
Hey, boy.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BARKING)
What? What?
What's the matter?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(BARKS)
Wow.
You like this music, huh?
I know what I can name you.
Wolfgang.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: You're watching classic performances.
The Cleveland Orchestra performíng Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
Beethoven.
That's who you are.
(BARKS)
Come here, Beethoven. Good boy.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING on TV)
What the... What?
Who is this?
Hi, Dad. This is Beethoven.
We were making spaghetti.
Oh!
Dad, I know you're mad.
Mad? Yeah, Bill. Actually, I am mad.
You bring a stray dog into the house, a huge one, actually.
You destroy the kitchen.
You bring animals in all the time.
That's different. I don't see how.
Because it's my job.
it was my job.
It's different, okay?
Beethoven and I were just making dinner.
It's not like anyone would make it for us.
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
Come on. You know I have to work.
Hey.
I know.
It's just that everything would be
so much easier if Mom were here.
I miss her, too. I think about her every day.
But, Billy, she's gone.
She's in our hearts now.
l...
I know. I just meant that...
Look,
how about we put the dog in the animal room tonight, okay?
And tomorrow we'll look for the owner.
And if we find him, great, and if we can't,
I'll take him to an animal rescue.
What?
No!
Hey, you know the rules, pal.
No dogs in the house.
But if no one adopts him, they'll put him down.
Someone will adopt him.
You're a jerk!
Bill.
Are you taking a snack for later?
Okay, there's your bed. Good night.
What? You're gonna Leave him with all these creepy animals?
Creepy animals?
They're all very professional.
They're gonna be fast friends. Let's go.
No, no, no. You stay right there.
This is your bed. You're hanging out
with these guys for the night, okay?
Night, Beethoven.
Bye, creepy animals.
(SQUAWKING)
(CHIRPING)
(MEOWS)
(BARKING)
(QUACKING)
(CHITTERING)
(GROANING)
(BANGING)
(GASPS)
(EDDIE EXCLAIMS)
(CHUCKLING)
(BARKING)
WOMAN: Hey, keep that dog quiet!
TICK: Frizzy, my poor stressed-out little movie star.
You got your appetite back.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah. Yeah.
What are you laughing at?
She's eating a sandwich, like a person.
Is that my sandwich?
Bad dog. Bad dog.
(DOOR OPENING)
TICK: It's him.
idiots.
Hey, boss. I didn't see you there. How's it going?
Hey, boss.
Do you have the ransom?
No, I don't have the ransom.
Would anyone like to ask me why I don't have the ransom?
Why don't you have the ransom?
Because they didn't pay it!
(ANIMALS CHATTERING)
I mean, why would they pay it
when they have not shot one frame
of film with Frizzy, the bichon frisé?
(BARKING)
Clearly, you have to wait for the dog to be important to the movie,
preferably a star, before you kidnap the dog and hold it for ransom.
Otherwise, it's just a dog.
Right.
Wait a minute. This was your plan.
Didn't you set the schedule?
That's a lie. It was his idea.
What?
Anyway, I do have a plan, one that will work.
Okay.
We wait.
We wait 10 days, 10 shooting days,
and then we dognap the new dog.
Then they have to pay.
They think they can outsmart me,
Sal Demarco, the greatest animal trainer in the history of Hollywood,
the man who taught a chicken to fly
and a cat to come when it's called.
Well, they can think again.
They can think again!
Wait, chickens don't fly.
Shut up.
EDDIE: Well, good morning. How did you sleep?
Such a sweet little animal. Adorable.
But don't worry. We're taking you to a nice new home,
and you can sleep all you want there.
Come on. All right, come on, doggy.
Let's go. Inside.
Hey. No. Hey. Doggy, doggy, doggy. Doggy!
Come on. In the truck.
(GRUNTING)
No, no. Come back. Come on. Doggy!
It's Beethoven.
I'm sorry. Beethoven. Come on. Let's go.
Come on.
I think he should ride up front with us.
Us?
Well, if you're taking my new best friend
to the pound, I think I get to go.
Okay.
Fine. Fine. You can say goodbye.
I think he should ride up front.
Up front? Never.
Animals ride in the back.
(SIGHS)
Stay here. I'm gonna go get Pete. I'll be right back.
Okay.
I mean it. Stay right here in the truck.
(DOGS BARKING)
I don't get it.
Got no charisma.
I mean, do you really think this guy is a star?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I think you could call him Pappy, Pappy the Pug.
(YAWNS)
Poochie? Puggy?
I think he lost his mind.
Next!
You blew it.
(WHINES)
Okay, which one of you mongrels is next?
Sal. What are doing here?
Well, I came to get my things and Pete.
Pete? Pete? Don't know Pete. Who's next?
I am.
You've got to be kidding.
But he has the heart of a wolf.
Pete is the lizard.
What lizard?
My lizard. I see.
You lose my movie star but you're interested in your lizard.
I didn't lose anybody.
You know I had nothing to do with that.
All of your things are underneath the stairwell.
If you have a lizard, that's where it would be.
You mean you didn't even feed him?
I've had a lot of things on my mind. Next.
Pete.
Pete, are you all right?
BILLY: These are just a bunch of mutts.
You're 10 times the dog, Beethoven.
Dad found Pete.
I was worried about you, buddy.
Is he all right?
Yeah. Pete's doing just fine.
Aren't you, Pete?
(EDDIE GROANS)
(BARKING)
Beethoven! Pete!
BILLY: Come back!
Beethoven! No!
Hey, get back here.
BILLY: Where is he?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
That's not even a dog.
SAL: Not technically.
But check out the personality.
It's a cat.
Yes, but a charming cat.
I think we could call it Kitty the Cat.
That's the fattest cat I've ever seen.
Thyroid condition.
Look, man, the movie is about a dog.
I need a dog, not a cat. I need a dog.
Yes, sir.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hey. What kind of dog was that?
(SCREAMS)
(YOWLS)
Hey. Hey.
SAL: Get me out of here!
STANLEY: Now, that's a dog. Humungous hairy dog.
EDDIE: Pete!
(BARKS)
PATRICIA: Watch this dog! This dog is coming at me!
Here he comes!
Show me the dog.
(SCREAMING)
PATRICIA: Get this mangy mutt out of here.
Doesn't he know I'm the producer?
Get me Sal.
Get me out of this chair!
(ALARM SOUNDING)
BILLY: Dad, the door. He's not gonna make it.
EDDIE: Pete! I'm coming, Pete.
(BEETHOVEN BARKING)
PATRICIA: Stop. Heel, heel!
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
PATRICIA: Could you help me?
MAN: Hey, that's the producer. Somebody help her.
PATRICIA: Somebody help me.
Are you okay? Come on. Easy.
You okay?
Don't. Stay. Don't, don't. Stay.
We got you. Easy. Easy.
You all right?
STANLEY: Phenomenal!
Eject these hoodlums from the lot immediately!
They disrupted my audition.
Hold it! Hold it! Don't you touch that dog!
That animal knocked me over.
He destroyed my backdrop.
That dog is amazing!
SAL: Sorry?
My sides are splitting.
Whose dog is this?
Uh-oh.
It's mine.
Who are you?
Eddie is one of the animal trainers.
Was. Was.
I fired him after the Frizzy dognapping.
Well, he's re-hired.
I will not work with this man.
You know what? You're exactly right. Thank you.
You're fired! What?
Get him out of here. You can't do that.
Take him off the lot.
Hey, I'm a member of the union.
You can't do that! I have a lanyard.
This is wrong on so many levels.
What's the dog's name?
Beethoven.
Beethoven. I like it.
You know what? Auditions are over!
This dog is the star of my movie.
Everybody be ready first thing tomorrow morning.
Stanley! Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
(STAMMERING)
Hi. Hi.
I know we're going in a new direction and all
but the movie is about a bichon frisé.
It's in the title.
I never liked that title as much as I love this dog.
Beethoven! I mean, it's got a ring to it.
I like that as the title.
But it's about little Frizzy and her little adventures.
She's French.
Not anymore.
It's about a big dog that knocks everything down!
This dog is a superstar.
This could be my statue.
Stanley, you're talking about re-writing
the whole film around this dog.
Do you know how many people would pay big money
to see what that dog just did?
Lisa, I think you should spend
some quality time with the dog.
Just really get inside his head.
See what makes him tick.
Same sets, same characters, just put old Beethoven in there.
You're going to make me a lot of money.
And Freddy...
Eddie.
You're training a star.
Use the main gate from now on.
I love that dog!
(BARKS)
Main gate.
Sweet. Main gate.
STANLEY: I've got a big bonus.
PATRICIA: In your dreams, honey.
Wow. So...
What should l train him to do?
What?
Well, he said we start shooting tomorrow,
so maybe I could see a script.
Oh.
Sure, I'll get you a script.
Only my script is about a cute, fuzzy little French dog
who brings a family together.
I have no idea what Beethoven is about!
Oh.
Say, I would like to thank you for coming in here
and basically wrecking my life.
Thank you, Lizard Guy. Thank you.
Me? I didn't do anything.
No, your dog did.
So I'm just gonna go home and make myself a pot of coffee
and start writing a new script.
It's no big deal. Right? I'm a professional.
Who needs sleep?
Not me, that's for sure! I don't need sleep.
Why would I need sleep?
Why on earth would I need sleep?
All I need to do is go re-write the entire script
from page one.
Is she crazy?
Maybe.
This is it, Bill. I'm the head animal trainer of a major motion picture.
''Use the main gate,'' she said.
The main gate.
This could change everything.
Do you know what this means?
This means milk in your cereal from now on, my son.
I mean, this is the big time.
I could be the animal trainer to the stars.
I think there's something wrong with Beethoven.
Wrong? What could be wrong?
He's going to be a major star.
He looks sad. Are you sad, boy?
Beethoven! Beethoven!
Hey! Hey, come back.
Dad, come on.
(STARTS ENGINE)
I gotta get that dog back.
I gotta get him back.
BILLY: Where's he going?
Lost dog! Sorry!
Come on.
OLD LADY: Whippersnapper.
Where did he go?
There he is. Go!
Beethoven!
What is he doing?
Why would he run away? I thought he liked me.
We can't lose that dog, Billy.
BILLY: You just wanna find him 'cause of that movie.
That dog is our meal ticket.
(BOTH SCREAM)
This time you pay. My neck.
There he is! Beethoven!
There he goes.
(HORN HONKING)
Hey, hey! Beethoven!
Oh, no.
Whoa!
(LAUGHS) Dad, we have puppies.
Wow.
This is why Beethoven ran away.
He was bringing them food.
Are these your puppies, boy?
Maybe he's not a boy.
Nope. He's a boy, all right.
I bet he's their dad.
Where's your wife, Beethoven?
Hey, Dad, I think Beethoven's a single dad, just like you.
Uh-uh. We are not taking in this huge dog and three puppies.
Dad, you called Beethoven our meal ticket.
Guess that means you have to keep him happy, right?
Right?
Right. Right.
Okay. You win. Let's go home.
Let's all go home. For now.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. Everybody's happy.
Come on, let's go. Beethoven's gotta be on the set early tomorrow.
Hey, Dad, can Beethoven and the puppies sleep in my bed tonight?
No. No. The puppies are in the animal room and Beethoven's outside.
Let's get one thing straight.
Beethoven is not our pet. He's my job.
So don't get too attached to him
and don't get too attached to these puppies.
(BARKING)
Oh, no.
Okay. You won this one, but that's it.
From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
(SNORING)
EDDIE: There it is, Beethoven. The main gate.
Hi. I'm Eddie from...
Good morning, sir. I know who you are.
Have a great day.
Thank you. She knows who we are, buddy.
Wow!
Here we go.
What do you think, pal?
Hi.
I don't get it.
See, Beethoven becomes part of the family...
What's this thing with him shaking hands?
It's cute and funny.
Beethoven shakes George Newton's hand, and they become friends.
I don't think that's funny. Is that funny?
No, ma'am.
Have you ever had a dog?
Well, no, but...
I just don't think it's funny.
It's heartwarming.
Well, let's shoot it.
But it better play, and tomorrow's pages better be much better.
Yes, sir.
Now, go tell the dog guy what we're gonna do.
it just doesn't seem funny to me.
Hey, no.
Beethoven, bad.
Ooh!
I'm sorry. He's just a little nervous.
It's his first day on a...
Now, come here.
Stop messing around.
(BARKING)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
How's it going?
Good. Great.
Just playing with the dog. It relaxes him.
Playing, huh?
Yeah. It's animal training stuff.
It's very complicated.
Right.
Stop it! Would you...
Beethoven! Beethoven, come back here.
Well, take it easy.
I'll see you.
Hey! Hey.
What are you doing? Bad dog.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.
Come on. Come on. This is just pathetic.
You've got to start listening to me.
Come on. This is work time, okay?
This isn't fun and games time.
Are you listening?
Hey, Lizard Guy.
It's Eddie.
What?
My name is Eddie, not Lizard Guy.
Listen, Lizard Guy, I haven't slept in 36 hours.
I couldn't remember your name if you told me,
and I really don't care if you ever do.
Did you get the new pages?
Oh.
Yeah. I got them.
So, we're good?
He'll sit there. He'll bark softly.
He'll politely shake the dad's hand,
signifying their new family partnership.
Hmm? Hmm.
Yeah. Sure. Absolutely.
He should probably do exactly that, I hope.
That doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence.
GIRL: Hey!
That's my nosh!
Now, come on. No!
This could be a long day.
There. You might wanna just...
MARCO: We need Beethoven on the set, please.
Where's the dog? No cookies.
Yeah, he's coming. He'll be right...
Bad. Bad for him.
Come on. Just...
What do you want?
(WHISPERS) Speak.
Beethoven, speak.
(BARKS)
EDDIE: Beethoven. Speak. Speak. Speak.
Speak.
Here's your favorite, George.
Hey, that's my bacon.
Give me that back.
That's my bacon. Bad dog.
No. No.
Give me that.
Sorry.
You slimed me!
(ALL LAUGHING)
STANLEY: That's perfect.
Cut! Cut! That's brilliant.
''He slimed me.'' That's gross.
That's it! Good work!
Thanks.
Hey, why don't we make the whole scene about him stealing the bacon?
Quick on set re-write.
I like it! Matter of fact, I love it.
Okay.
We got ourselves a star right there. Dog, welcome to Hollywood.
(SCREAMING)
(ALL LAUGH)
BOY: Loser.
Looks like somebody should've kept the training wheels on.
(HORN HONKING)
Yeah. That's right.
Run home to your daddy and mommy.
Wait, that's right. You don't have a mommy.
Lewis, stop it.
Hey, did you have fun with your friends?
You're late.
I'm sorry. We were on the set.
You okay? I'm great.
Cut it out!
You're such a nerd, Beethoven.
BILLY: Hey, Dad, there's that crazy lady.
EDDIE: Yup. That's her.
Come on, boy.
Oh!
Uh...
Hi. Hi.
Why are you on our steps?
Oh...
I'm trying to write a script.
Oh.
That's a weird place to do it.
Let's go, Beethoven. I'm starving.
Thank you.
I was hoping maybe I could come in and watch the dog for a bit.
Watch the dog?
Yeah, get some inspiration.
I'm suffering from a little writer's block.
Patricia and Stanley are really pressuring me.
Can you watch the dog while you eat?
Probably.
Yes, I can do that.
Come on.
(BEEPS)
How's your kung pow chicken?
It's good, thanks.
How's your... What is that?
Vegetable lasagna.
(INHALES)
Delicious.
Mine is still frozen.
Do you want me to put that back in the microwave?
No, I kind of like it.
It's like a macaroni and cheese Popsicle.
Do you guys have microwave dinners every night?
No.
Sometimes we have pizza.
Or burgers.
Right?
Really a couple of bachelors, huh?
We do okay.
Oh!
No, I'm sure. I can see.
LISA: So I hear you named Beethoven.
Yeah. He really likes that classical stuff.
Cool. Maybe I'll put that in the script.
Yeah?
If it's okay with you.
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
Billy, finish licking your food.
So...
I'm beat. Okay.
Big day tomorrow.
Right.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
Do you... Do you have a home?
Oh.
You're right. I should leave.
Do I have to? I have no idea what to write.
There is no scene written for tomorrow.
I'm gonna be fired.
You know, I got fired this week.
it seems to lead to promotion in this business.
So why don't you just stay here as long as you like? Work.
I'm sure you'll come up with something great.
Really? Yeah.
Hey, Eddie? I just wanted to say thanks.
You're nice, Lizard Guy.
Thanks.
Good night.
She thinks you're nice, Lizard Guy.
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
God.
(BARKING)
Come on! This is my bed!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, ha, ha.
You think this is funny? This is not funny.
it is, actually. And I think I have our scene for tomorrow. Thanks.
Kissed me all over my neck!
You went to first base on my neck.
SAL: This is our target.
He answers to Beethoven.
Yes. Good name.
Shut up.
He's big, and he's strong.
But soon he will be ours.
But what if they don't pay the ransom again?
Well, this time they will pay the ransom.
Which is why we are waiting for the film
to almost be complete before we nab him.
The studio thinks he's their next big star, so yes,
they will pay the ransom, and I will get my revenge.
They better. 'Cause I don't want another dumb dog
running around here again.
(GROWLING)
Take it back.
What?
Take back what you just said about Frizzy.
No.
Frizzy loves you!
There will not be another dog running around here,
whether they pay the ransom or not.
What do you mean?
They fired me. They humiliated me.
So, yes, we will take Beethoven.
Yes, they will pay the ransom.
But, no,
they will never see their darling dog again.
(GRUNTS)
(SQUEAKING)
Hey, hey. Come on, that's not for you.
Stay.
(SNIFFING)
Really?
(WHIMPERING)
Hey, watch it!
There he is. Come on, buddy.
Heel, heel, heel. Hey, hey, hey.
There's my guy.
Hi.
Who's a movie star? You are, that's who!
How'd you sleep last night?
You look great.
Hey, what are you feeding him?
Is he gaining weight?
it look like he's been working out. It shows.
If this dog looks tubby on screen, you're out of a job.
Guess what we got for you, Beethoven?
Come on, man. Come on. Come on, man.
Come on. Come on.
Let's see what we got.
Ta-da!
Whoa!
It's just a little token.
A very expensive token.
Hey, you're a star now,
and everybody is going to start treating you like that.
I mean, that trailer is bigger than my house.
Stanley, tell him about the staff.
Yeah, the staff.
Come on out, fellows.
Staff?
This is so insane.
Voilà.
Beethoven, that's your entourage.
Okay, come on. A chef? A masseuse?
Personal groomers?
I'm surprised you guys didn't get the Dog Whisperer!
Dog Whisperer!
Here I am. Calm and assertive.
This is... This is ridiculous.
(HUSHING)
This is Hollywood.
What the...
(SIGHS)
I thought I was the star of this movie.
Here you go! Home sweet home!
Wow.
(EDDIE WHISTLES)
Wow.
Hey! Hey, hey, get off the couch!
No! No, no, that's his couch!
Get off the chair. What?
Look, you see that pile of scripts over there?
Okay, these are scripts that this studio
would like to do with that star over there,
the one smelling his own bottom.
I'm attached to produce. You're the trainer.
Everybody wins. Unless you rock the boat.
So look at it like this, don't screw up.
Train Beethoven and let that dog put us
on the front page of Variety. Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Here you go, honey.
Whenever you have a minute.
Take your time. He's gorgeous.
Thanks.
What are you smiling at?
(FARTS)
When's my next appointment? Just quit it.
Hello? Beethoven, where are you?
(SCREAMS)
May I help you?
Sal?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Sal, I know it's you.
Well, of course it's me.
I'm joking, obviously.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Hey, pal. I got a pass. I work here
on the incredibly popular Animals Gone Wild.
We shoot right over here, on the main stage, on the lot.
That is what I'm doing here.
I meant, what are you doing here, spying on my dog?
That. That. Just came by to say hello. Hello.
Came by to see the big fellow.
How're you doing?
Beethoven, he's beautiful!
Look at that big fellow.
Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy.
(BARKS)
(GROWLING)
Wow. Get that beast away from me!
I don't think he likes you very much, Sal.
Hey, good luck with your new job.
I sure am enjoying your old one.
Come on, boy. Come on. He's a bad man,
but you're a good boy. You're a good boy!
All right.
Now, listen to me.
I want you to roll over, you understand?
Come on, no. No. Come back!
Roll. Roll over.
They're kind of dorky, aren't they?
Actually, yeah.
But in a good way.
Sit. Come on.
My dad says you really don't like Beethoven,
that you would prefer a baybreeze frizay.
(LAUGHING) Bichon frisé.
How would your dad know what I prefer?
Well, he says you're more brainy and refined and meant for bigger things.
Bigger than what?
Us, I guess.
EDDIE: Come on, now.
I wouldn't be so sure.
He said you were pretty, too.
(CHUCKLING) He did, did he?
No. But you are!
Thank you, Billy.
I think you're teaching my dad
how to be more brainy and refined.
Oh?
Whoa!
Oh!
But it's not easy.
Oh.
Prep 52A, and we'll knock that out and call it a day.
All right, quiet people! I hear way too much talking!
If you wanna have fun, go to the dentist.
So what does our beautiful Beethoven have in store for us today?
Well, in this scene, Beethoven tiptoes into the dining room,
and when the family's not looking,
he gingerly steals a shrimp off the dad's plate.
That's it?
No, no, no, he steals the shrimp, and then it's funny.
He leaves some slobber on the plate.
Isn't that the same beat we played yesterday with the bacon?
It's a call back, rule of threes.
(PATRICIA KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
Hey, hey! Get to work down there.
Get to work.
Lunch is in five minutes. I want the scene in the can!
Okay. Let's see what happens.
Okay. Come on, buddy. Let's go.
All right, places, people. Let's do this!
Quiet, quiet.
Okay, Beethoven. Just like we practiced.
When the dad looks away, you just tiptoe in and you grab that shrimp.
You got it?
Is he slobbery enough?
Yeah.
Okay, people, Let’s get this right.
Quiet. We are working with dogs.
(BELL RINGS)
Okay, buddy, just stay calm.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
And roll sound.
Speed. Camera.
Set.
And action!
EDDIE: Ready? Now, go.
Action.
What happened to the tiptoe?
BOTH: Oh!
(BARKS)
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GROAN)
Cut! Print!
That is what I'm talking about.
That's a trailer moment.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Give it up
(IMITATES CLASSICAL PIANO)
for my super star, Beethoven, and his genius trainer.
(WHOOPS)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
No.
Don't! No!
No!
Beethoven!
(ALL SIGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(BARKING)
(GRUNTS)
Roll over. Roll over.
(FARTS)
(GROANS)
God. Really?
That is just wrong.
(FARTS)
Aw!
I like the whole shoe sandal thing
you got going on there. Very trendy.
I don't get it. That dog is smart.
At least I think he's smart.
He finds a way to sneak into my bed every night,
but he won't roll over. What is that?
Well, it seems like what he's doing is working. Right?
I mean, the studio certainly seems happy.
I'm an animal trainer.
I don't let them just run wild and do whatever they wanna do
and then take the credit for it.
Why does he have that leash on?
He keeps chewing through them.
He hates wearing it,
but he's gonna keep wearing it until he accepts it.
Isn't that right, boy?
Let me ask you something. Is this...
Is this what you wanted to do with your life?
I wanna tell stories that move people, that make a difference.
You probably do tell good stories.
You're a real good talker.
Really? Really.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm told I'm also brainy and refined.
And pretty.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I better get back to ''roll over'' school.
(SCREAMING)
No! No! Heel! Heel!
LISA: Beethoven, no!
Stop! Bad dog.
Doggy, doggy, stop.
Don't. Don't. No!
No.
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
That's going in the movie!
Glad I could help.
(SIGHS)
Maybe he's just stupid.
There's no stupid dogs, Eddie.
You don't understand.
Nobody understands. This dog is off his rails,
and no amount of whispering is gonna bring him under control.
We must learn what Beethoven wants.
What he wants?
What Beethoven wants?
All he wants is food.
Food, food, food! You see that?
That's all he cares about.
That's not true. He cares about us.
Listen, the producer says I have to take it from this nut.
I do not have to take it from you, young man.
Billy is right. Beethoven cares about you.
He longs for you to welcome him into your pack.
My pack?
Your family.
Whoa, whoa, hold on, he is not part of our pack.
I mean, he is not part of our family.
My family is not a pack.
Three puppies, a kid and a father, that's a pack, Dad.
Would you just do your homework?
Look at your pack, Eddie.
They want you to lead.
I am an animal trainer.
I'm not a pack leader. This isn't a pack.
And Beethoven, I'm sorry, but this is just a movie,
and you are just a prop.
All I can say, it's never the dog.
Yeah. It's never the dog, Dad.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Hey! Eddie! Eddie!
Remember how funny it was
when Beethoven and the puppies ate all your shoes?
Vividly.
I just added it into the movie. It's hilarious.
It's not hilarious. It's really annoying.
And I wish that you would just stop using moments in my life
where that dog makes me miserable
and just putting it in your movie.
But it's funny.
It's not funny. It's not funny to me.
What's the matter with you?
That dog!
He doesn't listen. He doesn't do what he's told.
He wrecks everything.
And then he gets praised for it.
You know, yesterday, l tried to teach him to roll over for four hours.
Just to roll over! And he won't do it!
He misbehaves. You put it in the script.
He's just a dumb dog.
He's more than that, and you know it.
Oh! He's got you fooled, too.
You call yourself a writer?
All you do is, you follow him around
and write down the messes that he makes. Wow.
He doesn't have me fooled.
He's made this movie better.
And I'm following him around
because Beethoven's got something that people like,
something they wanna see.
He's got heart, something you could really use.
So I'm the bad guy now? Really? Me?
It's okay, Beethoven. He doesn't mean it.
EDDIE: Billy?
Yeah, Dad?
Billy, I need some help with this. Where's the dog?
I have to train him for this new scene we're shooting tomorrow.
Listen. ''Beethoven walks into the room
''carrying George Newton's slippers,
''drops them at his feet, lies down by the couch,
''and sweetly rests his head on the rug.'' Come on!
Beethoven is never going to do that.
BOTH: Whoa.
Lisa is scary good.
She wrote exactly what just happened.
She is pretty good, isn't she?
You really love that dog, huh?
Not as much as I love you, Dad.
That's my boy.
Hey, Pete.
So they're not gonna need Beethoven for a couple of hours
if you guys wanna just hang out in the trailer.
Cool. Later, Dad.
Hear that, Beethoven? We have two hours!
Let's go to the park.
You know that reading the dictionary doesn't make you look smart.
''Famous: to be known far and wide, popular, beloved.''
So?
Excuse me, Mr. Criminal Mastermind,
but it might be a tad problematic to kidnap a famous dog
in the middle of a studio lot in broad daylight, Bones.
(WHIMPERING)
Look, look! They're leaving the lot.
''Luck: successful total chance.''
How about Looking up ''moron''?
See you later, Billy.
See you, Zoë. Bye, Charlie!
(TAPPING KEYS)
EDDIE: You're gonna break that thing.
You getting some work done?
Don't you have some other writer's spirit to crush or something?
You know, when I was 10, l had a dog.
Red.
Red?
Yeah, he was an Irish setter.
Red. Creative, huh?
He was a good dog, a little like Beethoven, actually.
Ate a lot, was messy.
Anyway, I came home from school one day, and Red was gone.
He... He had run away.
Oh.
For a year I looked for him.
Every night I waited.
I loved that dog. He was my best friend.
But he... He left.
Couldn't find him, I couldn't help him.
It's not your fault he ran away.
it is. You get a dog, and you love it, and it runs away.
And you build a life, and you grow a family, and...
Then one day everything you thought you had just disappears.
What was her name?
Julie.
She was a great mom.
I'm afraid I'm just a sorry substitute.
No. No, that's not what I see.
I see a dad who's working his butt off for his kid.
And the only thing that dad needs to learn
is that he can't go through life
without giving his love to friends.
Eddie, Beethoven's part of your family now.
He's not going anywhere.
Neither am l.
Lizard Guy, Lizard Guy.
Boy, I'm glad that nickname caught on.
Where's Beethoven?
We can't find Beethoven anywhere.
What?
Billy? Billy!
Billy's gone, too?
EDDIE: His skateboard's gone.
LISA: Where could they be?
I think I know. Come on!
GIRL: That was so cool.
BILLY: There she is.
Pretty cute, huh?
(BARKS)
Wait. We can't go over there.
She likes that guy.
Why would she wanna talk to me?
(BARKING)
Whoa!
Beethoven, what are you doing?
Thanks, boy. Thanks. Good boy.
Yo, that was ripping, both you and your cool dog.
Hi.
I'm Katie.
I know. I'm Billy.
I know.
What's she talking to that lollypop for?
Ew! Gross! Look what your stupid dog did!
Ew!
Feeling woozy?
He means, are you feeling perhaps
light-headed or off-balance, as though you might collapse?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Come on. Help me.
So you wanna grab a soda or...
What's the matter?
Where's my dog?
Um...
Beethoven. Come on!
I can't do it. I'm doing all the work here.
Pick it up.
Beethoven!
(HONKS HORN)
EDDIE: Hey, Billy!
Yeah, he skateboards here with his friends.
Billy! Beethoven!
Hello. Hello.
That was close. EDDIE: Here, boy.
Come on, run! LISA: Billy! Beethoven!
Beethoven!
Beethoven! Come here, boy.
Lift with your legs, Bones. With your...
I'm trying.
Are you okay? Who's this?
I'm Billy's friend, Katie.
Where's Beethoven?
We can't find him.
What? He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean he's gone?
Oh, no.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
Oh, no.
BILLY: Beethoven!
Hey!
Stop!
EDDIE: Stop! LISA: Beethoven!
(FRIZZY BARKING)
Frizzy, quiet!
No! No! We need tranquilizer!
There was enough on that pizza to knock out a Clydesdale.
Get him down! My arm!
Bones.
I'll give it. Give it to me. Give it to me!
(GROWLING)
LISA: Hey! Beethoven!
That lizard guy is coming!
Let's go! Hey!
Breathe deep, breathe in. Yeah.
Hey! You've got my dog!
Beethoven! Beethoven!
What?
We think Beethoven's been dognapped.
PATRICIA: He's right. I got the ransom note right here.
it was just found taped to the door of Beethoven's trailer.
Well, what does it say? Read it.
''Hollywood bigwigs, you will pay $1 million,
''or the beast known as Beethoven will be destroyed.
''instructions to follow.''
Destroyed?
Poor Beethoven.
(BARKING)
SAL: The slobbering beast awakens.
You remember me.
Well, I remember you, too.
You're the dumb animal that made me look like a buffoon,
that cost me my job.
Well, welcome to the counteroffensive.
Now everybody else is running around Looking like fools.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Rope got your tongue?
(PANTING)
(BARKS)
(GROWLS)
Choose your last meal, stupid mutt.
What are we gonna do?
Okay, the answer is character based.
Who would do something like this? Okay.
Somebody who has access to the lot
so they could tape the ransom note on the trailer door.
Someone with the place to hide a big, noisy dog, like Beethoven.
Somebody who's got a grudge against the studio or the movie or me.
And someone who hates Beethoven.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Lisa, what exactly did the ransom note say, exactly?
''Hollywood bigwigs, you will pay $1 million,
''or the beast known as Beethoven...''
Beast!
He called him a beast.
I know who kidnapped Beethoven.
Sal, the animal trainer?
Do you have evidence of this?
He called Beethoven a beast.
He's a real jerk.
Look, I've produced enough cop shows to know that's not evidence.
It's at least worth checking out.
Could you just update the police about our theory?
The police don't know anything about this,
and I don't see any reason why they should.
What? You didn't call the police?
We don't need the negative publicity of a missing star.
We got enough footage of Beethoven to finish the film.
After we wrap, we call the police,
tell the press we finished the film before the dognapping.
It's a win-win.
Except for the fact that they might kill Beethoven.
Oh! Come on. Who's gonna hurt that dog?
He's charming. He's got star quality.
The dog'll be fine.
Anything happens to our dog,
and we're holding you accountable.
Really? Who do you think you are?
Lady,
I am done listening to you talk.
You're not worthy of Beethoven.
Come on, guys. Let's go find our friend.
That was awesome, Dad.
Lizard trainer.
(GROANS)
EDDIE: Well, this is it.
LISA: Wow, it really is creepy at night.
(PUPS WHIMPERING)
(HUSHING) Billy, try and keep them quiet.
What's the matter, guys?
Dad, I think they can smell Beethoven.
You guys stay here, okay? I'm going in.
(BOTH GASP)
(BOTH HUSHING)
You scared me to death!
You? I think I had a little heart attack.
What are you even doing here?
I told you to stay at the car.
Cart.
What?
You said car. It's a cart, a golf cart.
Who cares?
Please, would you just go back to the cart?
No! This is the climax! If you think I've been working this hard
to miss the climax of Beethoven's story, you're crazy.
Lisa, this isn't some script, okay?
This is real life.
All right, then I'm here to protect you.
Protect me?
Yes. I don't want you to get hurt.
I like you.
Oh?
Yeah?
Yeah.
So what's the plan?
I have no idea.
But there's a backstage door.
Let's start there.
Sounds good.
Hey, hey, hey. I better go first, okay?
Okay.
Oh!
Sorry. You okay?
TICK: What's the matter? You want an apology?
Fine. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that big silly dog got all the attention. Okay? Okay?
Yeah, okay. We're okay. We're okay.
Hey, that's Fuzzy!
Frizzy. We're gonna be okay.
Look at us fighting all the time, like Ike and Tina.
(DOOR CREAKS)
TICK: Who's there?
I know you're in here.
I can smell your fear.
I guess I must be getting a little edgy.
BONES: Tick! Tick, come on!
We're making the ransom call.
All right. Come on, Frizzy.
Let's begin our life of leisure.
Yes, yes. Good doggy.
That was close.
That's the guy I saw driving the van.
Beethoven is here someplace.
You got to go call the police.
Let's both go. No. There's no time.
They're gonna make the ransom call now. If Patricia doesn't pay it,
who knows what they're gonna do to Beethoven.
I'm gonna stay here, make sure nothing happens to him.
But you gotta go get help. But...
No buts. Go get help. Do it for Beethoven.
Be careful.
Okay.
Wow.
Okay, you listen up to me, Miss Producer Lady.
We want $1 million in cash,
put in a large sack, and taken to the corner of...
What?
Yeah. What? Go on.
Uh-huh.
(OPPOSES IN FRENCH)
I think it is very reasonable.
Beethoven is going to be a big, big star.
Well, actually, I think I do know a lot
about the movie business, Miss Producer Lady.
Well, that's not a very nice thing to say.
Well, that's downright nasty.
You better take that back right now
or your beloved Beethoven will be minced meat!
What? What did you call me?
Sal?
Me no know no Sal.
No. Sal who?
I don't know who you're talking about.
Hello?
What did she say?
She hung up on me.
And I think she knew it was me.
Well, that's not good.
So when do we get our money?
Will you shut up about the money?
Who cares about the money?
Me.
I am going to teach them what it means to disrespect Sal Demarco!
You get it?
Bring me Beethoven!
And then it's...
(SINGING) Lullaby and good night
Little puppy dog go to heaven
Yeah! Bring me that big bucket of rabies! Now!
''Forget about the money''? ''Forget about the money''? What's going on?
I fear the boss is becoming unhinged.
What does that mean?
It's like ''woozy'' but with more energy
and a mean streak in the middle.
Oh.
Billy, we need to get the police.
Billy? Billy!
I thought I should get some help.
Good job, Billy.
Where is he? This way.
Move out, guys! Hurry up.
Come on, you mutt. Let's go.
He's a pure Saint Bernard.
(SAL WHISTLING)
SAL: Dead dog walking.
(SNARLS)
(GROWLING)
(CHITTERING)
Good night, sweet pestilence.
And may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
It's the final curtain call for you, Beethoven.
But I want you to think of me
when you frolic in that big dog park in the sky.
This shouldn't hurt.
Beethoven! Roll over!
Roll over, Beethoven!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TICK EXCLAIMS)
TICK: My spleen. That's gonna leave a mark.
You did it. You did it. You rolled over.
I knew you could do it. Are you okay?
Those bad men didn't hurt you?
How touching.
Man and beast, together again.
BONES: My nose.
TICK: Where's my Frizzy? She needs me.
BONES: Too much pressure.
Shut up, you babies!
Sal, it's over. The police are on the way.
It's not over until I say it's over!
I concede I have lost this battle,
but I warn you, keep on your guard,
because when you least expect it, expect it!
Sal Demarco will be there!
Toodle-oo.
(BARKING)
(FRIZZY SNARLING)
Hey. Ouchie. Let go! Get off of me.
You pipsqueak! You hairball!
(GROWLING)
What? What are you...
SAL: Come on, I got you.
You want a piece of this?
Come here, boy. Come here, boy. Come on.
(SCREAMING)
That hurts. Stop! Stop!
Come on. Come on. Sal Demarco is the greatest
animal trainer in the world.
Come on. What are you doing?
Stop. I'm sending negative...
Listen to me, doggy!
Stop, dog. Stop, dog.
Way to go, boy. Good boy.
(GROANING IN PAIN)
That hurt.
Good boy!
The beast was to blame, not me.
Beethoven, I will get you!
My vengeance will be the terrors of the earth.
This hurts. This hurts.
OFFICER: Shut up.
Dad, you saved Beethoven!
No, we both saved him.
You and l, we're a pack, right?
Right.
He sure seems happy to see them.
He's a good dad.
So are you.
Well, I'm working on it.
Hey, do you wanna join the pack for some dinner tonight?
Frozen bachelor food with the lizard guy?
What? Not refined or brainy enough?
Actually, it sounds pretty perfect.
Good.
(PUPPIES BARKING)
What is it, puppies?
Oh! Guys, will you give me a hand with this?
OFFICER: Yeah, sure thing. Come on, Jimmy.
How you doing down there?
Officers. Thank God you're here.
Oh, man, who called the cops?
We are not together.
What? We are not a couple.
Come on.
Wait for me, Frizzy!
Man, my mommy's gonna kill me.
OFFICER: You might want to worry about your cellmate.
All right, men. We're done here. Let's move out.
Well, guys, let's get out of here.
Wait, where's Pete?
Pete?
(BARKS)
No. Beethoven!
Beethoven, come back!
Beethoven, hey! Don't...
No. No.
Uh-oh.
(SCREAMS)
Pete!
Oops.
(BARKING)
We should probably go now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Come on. Come here.
You think anyone'll notice that?
(BARKING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(EXHALES)
Good boy. Good boy.